He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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