somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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