my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
