I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
