when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
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I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
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Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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