There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
