Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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