just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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