did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
