I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
