he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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