He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
