quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
