he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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