I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
