saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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