He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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