i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
