You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
