Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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