Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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