I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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