I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
