either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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