I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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