Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
