how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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