guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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