Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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