your parents love me but you hate me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
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How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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