Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
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the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
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The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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