the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
