By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
