Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
