matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
