I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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