I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
