shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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