Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Randomize
