the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
