Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
this is an emotional support booty call
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
