i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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