I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
