Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
