I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY