I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?