I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
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Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
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You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.