Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap