the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
