Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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