got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
