i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
