I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
