my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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