No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
