i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
