Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
