she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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