You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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