we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i've created a new STD.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
