Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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