Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
