saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
