sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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